Burnt offerings?

What is it about a warm afternoon that inspires men to make fire and spark up a bar-b, most likely when it has become a cold evening?
As you may have gathered, we are, apart from the youngest who will only eat meat, a family of vegetarians. And as far as I can gather, the whole point of having a bar-b is to burn the ass off something, quite literally.
So why, oh why, do we have to have barbeques? If I wanted burnt veg I could just as easily do that on the cooker, as I do most nights.
I want to eat indoors without the fear of being eaten alive by non-vegetarian mosquitoes, without sitting at our uncomfortable picnic table, which has, quite frankly seen better days. And when (I say ‘when’ rather than ‘if,’ it is a given it will happen) the four-year-old meat eater drops his burger amongst the recently cut and yet to be racked up grass, I would rather be indoors, picking dust off it, as grass, ketchup and burger will always stick together.
As much as I appreciate my man making fire, and should he be required to utilise this skill to aid our survival sometime in the future, I will be eternally grateful, however, it does seem like a lot of hard work, for not a lot of reward.
We had kebabs, consisting of peppers, mushrooms and onions (with a soy and honey sauce) and jacket potatoes (done in the oven, incidentally.) The only nod at traditional bar-b fayre were the vegetarian sausages, I won’t mention any names, but they were dry (and burnt!) my girl wouldn’t eat them, I tried my best, but no amount of chewing would soften these things up! I have to say, and this does defend my husbands cooking of them, I have always found this particular brand of sausage dry and the skin is just not right somehow. In the words of Homer Simpson’s dog ‘chewy.’
So we had some nice, quality family time. We enjoyed burnt kebabs with near-raw onion, dry sausage, burger with fresh cut grass salad, I got eaten alive (mosquitoes love me) and drinks with a sprinkling of bugs and grass. The jacket potatoes were lovely though!
A wonderful time was had by all and no doubt the next time the mist lifts round our way my alpha male will be cranking up the bar-b for more burnt offerings.